Belonging

I am really lucky to have met my wife at nineteen.

Rarely, at various moments over the years, I have wondered what it would have been like to have had more time for dating, for total freedom and independence, for trying on different relationship identities, and growing alone. But the truth is, when I met G, I knew within months that I wanted to marry HER and have children with HER.

G and I have been really different people from the start. We shared a complimentary sense of humor, some common core values, and a few similar interests (a love of water perhaps the most critical), but our families of origin, our life experiences, our theological understandings, our educational interests and histories, our hobbies and likes, our approaches to everything from money to goal setting, and even the music we listened to most were vastly different.

Over the years, we've had many jokes about how different we were when we met. We used to say that if we had met just a few years earlier, we might not have even liked one another, let alone fallen in love. For a while, I joked that my family must be paying G to date me.

Now, over a decade later, G and I have found that while we've grown together in many ways, we've also grown in very different directions. We share more in common now, but this is largely because we've built a life together. As individuals, sometimes we have wondered if now we have less in common than when we met.

I no longer see many commonalities as necessary to a deeply fulfilling marriage. Not a day has gone by since the day I met G when she hasn't helped me in some way to grow as a human being. I am a very different person than I was at nineteen, not in spite of my marriage, but because of it.

More than anything, what I find in my marriage, is a "deep knowing." G knows me as fully as a human being as probably anyone ever will, and she chooses love. There is something that is deeply fulfilling in receiving true-knowing followed by true, authentic, willing love. In my marriage, in my home, in the family G and I have created together, I belong. That's a feeling unlike any other...belonging.

I am starting to think most people spend their lives in various emotional and mental states that relate to belonging. And starting to think that one of our spiritual tasks is finding a sense of peace in an eternal belonging.

"Here come the boogie boards!"

I finally had a chance to tag along with my family on one of G's regular trips with the kids to the beach.

I have been missing way too many (read: all) beach trips this summer, and it feels like I am working all the time yet getting nothing done. I can't get this time back with my family, so while the beach will always be there (though goodness knows there is no where I'd rather be than at the beach) I really need to prioritize these beach days higher.

The Fourth of July was a good day to go ahead and play hookie because, well, it's a friggin' holiday and that is what people do! We got a little bit of absolutely heavenly beach time in that afternoon. It was AWESOME! G had been telling me how great it is there with the kids now, and I agree.

G's sister loaned us some boards, thus I found out the kids are starting to boogie board! We could have easily spent the whole day there if only we hadn't needed to fit in a nap! And with G's sister there to watch the kids for a few minutes at a time, G and I fit in a little body surfing.

When I think of the Fourth of July this year, I'll think of M and K running to the water, boogie boards in tow, with K grinning ear to ear and shouting "here come the boogie boards!" I really wish I had photos. It was sooooooo much fun.

That night there was a report that the police were cracking down on fireworks, even though there is no longer a city show, but we went back to the beach anyway, and found that there was quite an impressive number of fireworks. It was incredible to watch, albeit slightly scary.

What a good day.

Random Legalizing Our Marriage Ideas

At our renewal of our vows when G. and I get legally hitched, I think we should say a family vow too. I think the kids should be allowed to run freely on the beach during the ceremony, but that we should try to call them back for our family vow. And we should do a blessing of our rings-- perhaps in silence with our hands over them -- a symbol of our love and commitment. And bless sturdy but beautiful anklets we make for the kids too, and give them their anklets as a special gift. We should have four anklets, though, and bless the two for children not yet here. I think we should burn our regrets and send them afloat in the water so that they may be purified and made right again with this crazy wild and big universe.

I think our ceremony/ritual should be relaxed and intimate and follow its own rhythm. I think we should basically just exist in our own little world in those moments.

I keep thinking of the fertility ritual from the movie Chutney Popcorn, and the beauty of just being present with the power of our own hearts.

By the way, if you all haven't seen this yet, you should, because everybody should be so lucky.

A Valentine's Day Request About My Birthday, To My "True Love"

Over the Christmas season my kids learned the song "12 Days of Christmas" pretty much in its entirety. There is nothing sweeter than hearing my two and three year old belt out, "On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me." So, sometime toward the end of the season, M. asks me, "Mama, who is your true love?"

That is a three year old question to make a heart melt alright. I don't want to forget that one.

I told M. that my beautiful children and my beautiful wife are my "true loves." He liked that answer, but I wonder if he thought I was cheating a bit to name them all. So on this Valentine's Day, I'll choose the romantic meaning of the phrase "true love." Here's a letter to my wife, G. about not a Christmas gift wish, but a birthday wish. (Just in case she reads my blog.)

Dear G.,

My 30th birthday is coming up and you've been asking for ideas of how to make it special. Other than wanting to spend it with you and the kids, there are few things I want or need. Of course I dearly wish we could all go visit Colorado or that our folks there could come visit us, but I know that isn't possible so let me tell you something else that would make my heart sing:

Honey, let's get legal. Ever since we moved here we've put off going to get our marriage legalized, but its a great joy to be able to do so and we really ought to do it for so many reasons. The reason that we've put it off is because you know I want to make it all romantic and renew our vows and all that, and you're afraid I'll invite people and you'll have to talk in front of everyone like at our wedding. So let me make this deal with you. Why don't we do a private renewal of our vows on the beach with the kids, with only the number of witnesses required. We can have a small party with everyone else afterward to celebrate if you want. But otherwise, let's dress up and take pictures, but make it a quiet elopment and a family thing. That would be a great way to celebrate my 30th birthday month. Because sweetie pie, I love you, and nothing would be bliss like being your lawfully wedded wife :-).

Love, S.

This is My Wife

Okay, it's not really my wife. But this is what I come home to most days of the week. A big tortilla-making mess on my kitchen table and my wife with sore tortilla-rolling shoulders (and the kids assuring me "we made tortillas for you today..." funny how even though the tortillas are for us, they always say they are special for me). The big excitement-- according to the kids-- is always whether she made flour or corn tortillas. Bless her, I love her...she takes such good care of all of us.

...And For Anyone New

In case my renewed blogging has caught any interest, and you want to know who the heck I am talking about when I talk about my kids, here is my post introducing my family in August: http://becausethatiswhatmylifeislikerightnow.blogspot.com/2007/08/for-silly-time-waster-go-to.html

My family

For a silly time waster, go to simpsonizeme.com. Here is my family:

This is my lovely wife G, sort of. I do regret that her Simpsonized picture is missing her two nose piercings. Her skin is also a little lighter than her Simpsonized version, but they only give you so many choices, ya know. Anyway, things I am going to miss about G while we are apart include: getting silly together over the littlest daily things (and the silly little kitchen dances she does when we are cooking and getting goofy...don't tell her her secret is out), hearing her play with our kids when I am in another room working, watching Antique Roadshow together (we find it quite entertaining to watch people find out the monetary value of their collectables!), cuddling, and bantering all day about our loved ones and what they are up to.

This is my baby boy M. He's 28 months. What I am going to miss most about him when we are apart is his laughter...his hysterical, full body, from-the-gut giggle. I am going to miss wrapping him up and pretending he is my burrito. I am going to miss his kisses. I am going to miss his snuggles. I'm going to miss his smell, and the feel of his sweaty little body all curled up in my arms when he is going to sleep. I am going to miss witnessing all the things he is curious about in this world. I am going to miss the way he takes care of his little sister. I am going to miss it when we are driving and we are getting close to his uncle's office, or Taco Time, or Costco, or the firestation, and he announces that it is coming up. I am going to miss his announcements about police cars, fire engines, and ambulances. I am going to miss his silly sneaky smile, the smile he gets when he is about to do something that will make me laugh. I am going to miss when he does this funny "ho-ho-ho" laugh in immitation of one of the laughs his "mimi" (grandmother) does. I am going to miss playing in the pool with him. Oh my G-d, there is so much I will miss.














And this is my foster daughter K. She's 17 months. While we are apart, I am going to miss her little run. I am going to miss her playfulness. I am going to miss all her little words. I am going to miss the way she brings a book to me, and then backs up butt first into my lap so I can read it to her. I am going to miss the way she pretends to feed me. I am going to miss her sweet laugh. I am going to miss watching her be so fearless with the world everyday in so many ways-- her growing love of adventure. I am going to miss watching her get taller day by day. I am going to miss her trying to wrestle me when she sees me getting silly and wrestling her big brother. I am going to miss watching her pretend EVERYTHING is a phone. I am going to miss her stubborness. I pray, pray, pray that this will not be one of the last times I see her. I pray that we will be able to adopt her so she can stay safe and healthy and with us. Oh, lord, do I pray.