Weekly Horoscope Check-In

As you all know, I am a horoscope skeptic, ironically obsessed with my horoscope since I found the AstroStyle website because their 'scopes always seem so "right on" for me. Anyway, here is my weekly horoscope from that site, with my comments in purple:

Workaholic alert! You may be a little too emotionally wrapped up in your career at the moment.

VERY interesting. I preached on Sunday, and found myself with a renewed vigor by Sunday evening. I was feeling a really intense sense of vocational focus and seriously hammered away on some big projects until after two in the morning! I took Sabbath on Monday, but thought about work throughout the day and returned to work today with a lot of momentum. I am seeing this as very positive, and I will continue to see it as positive, but I guess I also have to be careful not to overdo it.

While it's wonderful to be ambitious, striving too hard for status, fame, or prestige could cause you to forget your values. You don't want to step on people as you climb the ladder to success. That's simply too much bad karma to bring into your life.

I guess it would be nice to have warning if people's feelings could become an issue. I wasn't seeing any danger of stepping on anyone with the projects I'm working on, but I guess I'll keep my eyes out!

Oh, wait, I just thought of something that this could absolutely be about...the current strategic planning and goal development. Oh, yeah. I can definitely see this being an issue if I am not careful. Will try to be even more restrained than I've been lately.

A little detachment is advised.

Whether horoscopes are valid or not, I think this is terrific and very helpful advice for the strategic planning meeting tonight. Will try very hard to keep it in mind.

Your work is important, but don't let it define all of who you are. You may also need to make a few sacrifices in the name of your career growth. Be selective.

Hmmm...have no idea right at the moment what that could mean. Perhaps time will tell.

If there's an opportunity to learn from an industry expert, jump on it--even if you do the work for free.

I'm not sure yet what this means either, but I can see a couple of opportunities to which this *might* apply. Will have to think on it.

An issue with a prominent male relative needs healing. You may have to extend the olive branch this time. Let go of grudges and make peace.

Huh. I wonder if this is true for me or not. The only guy-person with whom my relationship has been shaky (as far as I know) is my brother, and that's been going on for years. I feel like I've been doing my part, but maybe???

Anxiety

Let me be a little vulnerable here.

I've had a lifelong relationship with slightly-higher-anxiety-than-the-average-bear. Bear in mind, I am going to put a spotlight on that here, so please don't take this as a truly objective or wholistic perspective. I cannot be objective, nor does the spotlight allow for a wholistic perspective.

In my second year at university, I finally had my first no-doubt-this-is-what-is-going-on-here panic attack. I experienced it as something rather debilitating, and it has taken a lot of work on my part not to live in that space perpetually.

It's been interesting to observe myself during this cross-country move, to watch how I've responded to the inevitable anxieties of such major change.

I'm realizing now that my anxiety is somewhat cyclical in nature. When under stress of most types, I will go through periods of feeling clear and being able to respond to my anxiety without getting swept in. These are productive periods, happy times, and periods when I am able to empower others effectively while maintaining a healthy sense of boundaries. I am able to take a compliment, and generally process negative and positive feedback in the healthiest way I can (though I tend to do best with small, informal doses at one time, dispensed in loving, gentle, and personal formats). I go into "planning" mode. I am decisive. I am able to see my own vision-- for anything I'm working on-- and map out a way to get there. I communicate lovingly and effectively overall. I am in touch with my "better self."

Then, something will happen, and the anxiety will sweep over me again. All stress feels too much to bear. I cry and am irritable. I feel unclear. I can map out a way to get somewhere, but I feel doubtful about where I am headed and the steps feel so shaky that I can't tell if I am on the right footpath. I become frightened of my own inadequacies, and I can't thus empower others because it is too scary to give up control. And yet, I am too paralyzed by my own fears to do anything. I procrastinate. Negative feedback, even in loving, gentle, small, and personal doses, throws me off kilter. I can't find my footing. I lose my voice. I become out of step with my community.

On the outside, I can sometimes go through an anxious phase and even manage to maintain some semblance of normalcy. But as soon as I am "caught," I feel trapped and even more afraid. I don't like being vulnerable like that, so I push others away. I am ungracious, unforgiving, defensive, and restless.

I resort to coping skills that serve me in some ways, diminish me in others. I use my sense of humor. I put off my biggest tasks and do only very small bits. I sleep. I vent to my wife. I avoid human contact.

Again, I've worked a lot on this over the years. I go to therapy weekly. I attend to my prayer life, to the extent that I can manage at this time. I have taken herbal supplements like Saint Johns Wort and also used Rescue Remedy as a homeopathic treatment. I've taken courses in meditation, and I practice little skills when I don't have time or energy for something more intensive.

I am most conscious that I need to be careful to role model healthy rather than unhealthy coping skills to my children, that I need to be careful that they aren't exposed to the full extent of my anxiety, and that sometimes I just need to "get over" something and do it (like actually talk to a server at a restaurant rather than having my wife do it because I am feeling socially anxious) so that I am more comfortable and so are those folks around me (especially the kids).

But because of the immensity of change in my life this year, I find that just as soon as I start to catch my breath, something pushes me back under water and I can't quite find the strength to pull myself out as easily as years when I've had a little less going on (hah! when was that?).

I am learning, through this experience, those things that help me find success:

Internal

• My prayer practice. If I can't attend to my prayer life in full, I ought to at least find time to do a very small amount each day.
• Recognizing that most folks struggle with their own perceived inadequacies, anxieties, and so forth. That is, normalizing my challenges rather than using them as further tools for my own isolation. This also helps me in the sense of ministering to others.
• God. My therapist told me a little while back that when I get into "what if" thinking, I should have a word that I can use to finish that sentence to help me keep out of my own spiral of anxious thoughts. So now when I hear myself starting to say, "what if," and getting catastrophic in my thoughts, I say "what if God?" It instantly helps to soothe me. **Note: I've never shared this with anyone before, so you can imagine what a private practice it is for me. Not sure I would take too kindly to someone else trying to say it for me LOL.
• Empowering others and being gracious, even when I don't feel like I can. I've found that this can start another type of spiral. A much more positive, healthy one.
• Being clear about ownership. I own my power, and my therapist has helped me understand that my cycle of anxiety involves a point (usually very early on) when I decide to let others define my worth, the worth of what I do, and the power of my contributions. I inevitably not only give away my power, but I also choose to "hear" only the negative, only those non-affirming things. Even when I am arguing against them in my mind, they eat away at me because I don't own anything positive. And so ultimately, I am not just giving my power to others, but also giving my power to those things that don't affirm my worth. I do this because it is familiar-- it's a long-time pattern of thought for me-- and what is familiar is always less scary than what is unfamiliar. When I do this, I get so scared. I am not able to affirm other folks in their goodness or in their power. How can I possibly affirm goodness and power in others when I can't even find it in myself? I find it really helpful to own in myself a sense of competence and worth, and then to use that sense of self-worth to help light the candles of others (remember that when one candle lights another, it does not diminish that first light). When I do this, and I feel others reaching out to me in diminishing ways, I can set my self apart from that behavior, often without setting myself apart from the person.
• Assuming competence. Placing trust in my self, my intuition, and the value of my contributions is critical. When I am in a place of self-trust, I don't need to worry. I know that one way or another, a wave can rush over me without pulling me under. I can trust that I know where I am headed. I can trust my own instinct and tools to get me there. AND, even better, I find myself assuming that about others too. I can let the birds fly without trying to control where they are going and how they get there.

External

• A mentor. I am considering paying to see a spiritual guide. I know those unfamiliar with such a practice will wonder why one might get paid for it. But like therapy, I think it can compliment my other work. I realize now that I had a spiritual guide (of the kind I didn't pay)-- someone who had the skills I am learning to develop-- back in my old state, but I don't here. A mentor would help me in life's constant discernment that I feel is critical to growing in healthy ways, both personally and professionally.
• Compliments. The other day my assistant told me I was "one of the highlights" of her year. As I debate about whether regularly praising my kids will slow their development of internal rather than external motivation, I am realizing how much I benefit myself from praise. Because I am prone to anxiety, and I easily get into distorted internal thinking, it helps to have benchmarks...affirmations...that help restore me to clearer thinking and yank me out of my distorted internal dialogue.
• Recognition of my best self. I am realizing how much I benefit from living in an environment where others see the self that I am not always able to see, and are able to help me hold that understanding constantly through all the trials and tribulations of the life's work I have taken on: my marriage, my vocational call, and my call to parent. I am really missing my friends and colleagues and all the folks at the foster care department back in my old state because this is exactly how they related to me. Some people are motivated by constant feedback, both positive and negative. That's how they learn. Because the negative becomes so amplified for me, I benefit more from the motivation of an understanding of how good I am. I benefit from regular reminders that accessing that self is not as hard as I work it up to be. One of the things that has sustained me through this trying and exhausting year was one of my last conversations with my former supervising minister. He, who had become a beloved friend and colleague, as much as a supervisor, looked me straight in the eyes and said "Just remember how good you are." I truly could not have made it this year if I couldn't hear those words in my head, affirming my best self. And I know he believed it because there was not a moment when I didn't feel that way with him, even in the handful of times he gave me directions or corrections or even constructive criticism (which he only gave when absolutely necessary...he knew that I was critical enough of my self for the both of us). And he spoke always highly of me among our shared and separate colleagues. I try to take this approach with those I supervise now. It is a basic part of learning theory that we learn best when we feel safe. I assume that we will all be growing in our lives and that we can grow best when others see the people we are becoming.
• Knowing where I stand. When my wife comes to me and affirms my place in our family, and then gives me some gentle, loving, constructive criticism, but is direct with me, I avoid the spiraling inventions in my head that grow out of my anxiousness. "Is she going to lose it someday and not be able to tolerate this any longer? What then?" "How long was this bothering her before she ever told me?" "Is this worse than it seems?" "Does this represent some greater ill in her perception of our marriage?" "Is this a bottom line thing for her?" "Does she feel like we can make it through this?" I was always the kid who physically felt like she had to vomit when called to the teacher's desk. In my mind, I was going to be caught in something awful I didn't even know I did. Tears would well up in my eyes before I even arrived at the desk. That's why for me, (1) spontaneous feedback helps-- because then I don't start cycling into the anxiety before I even have heard what needs to be said-- I don't cry my way to the desk, (2) gentle, loving feedback helps because I don't start questioning my place and worth as I am prone to do, and (3) direct feedback in small doses helps because it requires less interpretation and leaves less room for distorted thinking. Back when my former supervising minister and I began working together (and he knows this because I later shared it with him), his quiet-nature often brought out my anxiousness. He would be completely still and silent as I spoke, and I would start going a million miles a minute in my mind: "I wonder if he is mad. What if he didn't like what I just said. What if his silence is a sign of dismissal." etc. I quickly began to learn the way my internal dialogue was distorting reality to a point of paralyzing anxiety, and it was completely unnecessary because he had a great respect for me and my work.
• Contact with others. I am finding the more social contact I have with others, as much as it sometimes *gives* me anxiety to have it, ironically makes me less likely to get into my out-of-control, spiraling cycle of anxiety. I think moving into a more walker-friendly area of this city, and into more of a neighborhood will be *tremendously* beneficial to my mental health. Even my house-warming party I think will be helpful. Next year I am also going to keep tighter office hours with my assistant, so I can spend less time alone in my office. Additionally, I am going to try to spend more of my lunches at the staff lunch (folks generally eat at the dining table together at noon), since being on a different level of the building than all but my assistant contributes to my feelings of isolation and lack of coordination with others here.
• And beyond just contact with others, I do best in an environment of routine and activity. Nothing hugely fast paced (I am finding myself having a very hard time adjusting to the pace of the east coast...and even my wife, who grew up out here, is saying the same thing about herself), but for example, when I went to water aerobics twice a week with one of my wife's co-workers, it really did me a lot of good. I've got to find that sense in my new life here as much as possible because that is how I thrive.

I am finding that when I assume others have fairly similar needs, the quality of all my relationships, both personal and professsional, is deeper, more sustaining for everyone, more loving, more compassionate, more joyful, more powerful, and more healthy. And it makes me more effective in my ministry to boot. Interesting stuff.

Galileo

First, one more picture from work. It is not a good one, but it's a little slice of nature anyway.



Various notes...

House

1. Our offer is in on the house. Within 24 hours, we'll know whether it has been accepted (but even if it is accepted, of course, that doesn't mean we're in the "clear" because then there will be inspections and further negotiation, etc). I think we put in a very competitive offer. Someone could still beat us out, but we were trying to also be as gentle as we could be on our bank account despite the good chance that this will be a bidding war in the end. My agent said she'd call if she heard anything at all about another offer coming in so we could re-write our offer if desired. No call yet, so baited breath...

2. With the offer, I submitted the letter. I asked my agent about letters, and she said they were a fine thing to do, and that sometimes personalizing the offer helps. After reading it, she said she could go either way. On further discussion, we eliminated only this: "We will present to you the best offer we can afford..." We kept the letter exactly as-is otherwise, and went ahead and put it in with the offer.

3. If all goes well, we'll be moving next month.

4. Things I am thinking about now:

• Giving notice to our landlord


• Pool safety and also pool covers-- options. Also, caring for pools, salt water system conversions, etc.


• The lead inspection-- how to minimize costs related to lead abatement.


• The utility bills. For heat and hot water, given the use of oil and single zone heating, we are looking at a huge monthly bill. We're wondering if converting to gas is possible in this house, but I didn't notice a gas line. Maybe at least converting to zones? Electric? What's the cost of all this? When can we do this? It is anticipated that next year's oil will go up to $7/gallon! Those predicting the fossil fuel economy is crumbling before our eyes, starting with oil, just might be correct yet!


• Other environmental-economical issues on the domestic front: Is biking/bussing to work now an option (it is a flat and straight shot, but I am a little concerned about safety because the streets out here are crazy and the drivers are crazier). How far is the nearest grocery store from this house, and can we walk there with a wagon...what kind of sidewalks or lack thereof would the route involve? Can we get a wood stove and start stockpiling wood for next winter in case there is a fossil fuel crisis? Can one build a small raised bed vegetable garden on a small plot of concrete...and how does a novice with no natural gardening abilities go about getting started with such a project? How much does a push mower cost and where can we get one so we can replace our old gas mower (which we liked a lot for our former large lawn)?
• The roof-- how much life is left on it and what to do next and will this become part of the negotiations.


• Dog poop-- where will our dog go poop? *That* is the question.


• Neighborhood schools-- will I ask to visit our new neighborhood school and consider a placement for M. there next year in the preschool he gets via his IEP?


• Tax money. We could use some for closing costs, etc. Have we received any yet? What is on its way? What will we be waiting for, for a while?


• How to stay focused at work with all this going on! I can't stop my mind from going a million miles a minute right now. Eeek.


• How will I cope with the disappointment if this doesn't work out? If our offer isn't accepted or if things come unraveled in negotiations?
• And where or where is my trusted Virgin Homeowners Manual? I love that book and want to dig it out before inspections, which I need to get working on scheduling right away if our offer gets accepted tomorrow because we set our deadline for seven days.

Other

Remember the band Queen? Remember Brian May? Did you know he is Dr. Brian May, astrophysicist? I heard him on NPR today http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=90273890, and I loved hearing him talk about the way his worlds intermix. What a joy!

My Assistant Came In!

...and everything is okay. Just thought you all should know. Phew! One more lesson in the degree of my social anxiety.

Yep!!

That's THE ONE.

I loooooooove it.

That said, here's the obligatory pros and cons list:

PROS

• The location is good, both for re-sale and for our purposes. There is stuff we can walk to, including a park.
• This house is totally move-in ready!
• The house is vinyl sided, so we won't have to worry about painting it. In this climate, this is a big issue because here houses need to be painted frequently.
• Most of the windows are updated.
• There is a new furnace.
• There is a lovely little inground pool-- K. will LOVE it.
• It is the perfect size. Not impossibly large, but not too small for our purposes either.
• Our agent thinks this house is likely underpriced, but it is not a foreclosure or a short sale. She just listed a house (without a pool) in this same neighborhood. It didn't have a garage and was listed at $267,000. She immediately received six offers. This is a DEAL (though the downside to that is that we're probably going to have to fight for this one, and it is already the top of our price range).
• All appliances are included in the price, and they are newer appliances.
• The mantel on the fireplace is beautiful, there is a window seat in the living room looking out to the front street (M will love it!) and there are a few nice built-ins and storage spaces throughout...including a nice built in bookcase in the smaller bedroom.
• The staircase is nice and wide (easier for moving furniture, and feels more comfortable too)
• There are a lot of windows, for great ventilation. The ceilings are somewhat high, which adds to the house's good open feeling.
• The house has been well maintained and feels like it is in good condition. The floors are also in relatively good shape.
• The master bedroom, while it doesn't have its own bath, is very close to the bathroom and is very large: 14x20 at least. A second bedroom is also a good size.
• There is a lovely sunroom type space on the first floor that could be used as an office or playroom, or for any number of purposes. It's great!
• There is an enclosed sunroom type porch next to the pool.
• The driveway is shared. Often this would be a big draw-back. However, there is still a two car garage (apparently with a garage door opener), the driveway is well maintained and wide enough for its shared use, and it also means maintance is shared with the neighbors (and word is, the neighbor's sons shovel it).
• The seller's agent is in the same office as our agent, which may give us some advantage in getting an offer accepted.

CONS

• This is at the top of our price range, and the taxes on this property are also rather high.
• There is not a real back or side yard. There is the pool, which is gated. Then there is also a paved area that the current owners have set up as a nice children's play space. In addition, there is a small area outside of the paved and pool areas. It currently has stones as well as a stone walkway, and a patio-swing. The no-yard factor is actually a pro for us because experience shows we can't maintain a yard very well. We have a very hard time with that. However, we do have a large dog to think about. On the other hand, our dog is 12 years old (so not buying a house because of her may not be adviseable), and there is a place for her to go outside even if not ideal.
• There is asbestos on some pipes in the basement. However, they are encased, so it would only be an issue if we decided to do updates. We'll talk to the inspector about it during the inspections.
• The roof appears to be older. It may need to be replaced in the next few years (we'll find out in inspections).
• The heat is by oil, and there is only one heating zone=expensive. This is something, however, that we could probably address in the years to come given that there isn't major work to do elsewhere in the home aside from the roof.
• One of the bedrooms is very small, probably 8x8 or something. And there is no room for expansion. This is an issue for foster licensing, but because one of the bedrooms is very large, if G. and I were willing to take the smaller one at some point, we should be able to continue being licensed for the number of children we would like to care for.
• There is likely lead paint inside that we'll need to get removed.
• There will be costs associated with maintaining the pool, though the good news is that it seems well-maintained currently and they have done some updates on it.
• There is no open, neighborly porch.
• The basement does get some water, which is VERY common in this city, particularly with this type of foundation (however, there is a sump pump and a dehumidifer already installed).

I've called our agent, and she is at a doctor's appointment right now. She is going to call the selling agent and get a feel for urgency. If there is not an offer on the table yet and no word of one yet, I will meet with our agent tomorrow at 11am to write one. Otherwise, her brother (another agent) will be writing the offer with me later today, or she may do it after her appointment. Updated at 4:30 to say that she checked with the selling agent and we were the first to come in. The next showing isn't until tomorrow at noon, so we'll be able to write our offer tomorrow at 11am. I am so nervous about getting this offer right, so we are competative but don't break the bank. I really, really, really WANT this house, and I KNOW it will get other offers. It is unfortunate that I will do this without G. having seen the property, but she said it sounds GREAT, so she is on board and excited. She just can't wait to see it.

Side note: The bad news is I was basically out of my office all day. I worked much of the day Monday (my usual day off), and a lot of Tuesday (despite missing my day off). My assistant had to be out both days for personal reasons. Today I was running late because I was seeing G. and the kids off to New York. Then G. called late this morning to say she got a flat tire. She usually can change a flat tire, but was having difficulty getting the tire off. She was on the Mass Pike and AAA said that when you are on the Mass Pike, they can't send somebody out. The state police have to come. The state police came, called somebody to help, but the folks were taking forever, and it was past the kids' nap time, and everyone was in quite a state. So I stayed on the phone with her until help arrived. Part of the time she had me on speaker phone talking to the kids, who were miserable, while she kept working to try to change the tire.

I came to my office this afternoon and found a note from my assistant saying she wasn't coming in tomorrow but would be in on Friday, and that she wouldn't have time to get several things done. I don't mind at all. But I called to check and make sure everything was okay, and she seemed short with me. I have been in late a lot lately, and I know that makes her work harder because we can't chat in person about stuff. I value her so much, and I am terrified that I have really let her down. I have such a knot in my stomach. I hope everything is okay with her and between us as well. She is amazing! I have always been paranoid about my own inadequacies, and whenever anything like this happens, I always assume I am making someone's life miserable and that our relationship is coming undone. I know there are a thousand other things that could be happening, but boo hoo! I am having super, super anxiety.

Oh, yeah, and a car update...

Forgot to say that N lost her keys this morning and spent so much time looking for them that she ran out of time to test drive the car for us. I hope it is still there tomorrow when she tries again!

Okay, back to work. Tomorrow is Sunday, afterall.