Anxiety

Let me be a little vulnerable here.

I've had a lifelong relationship with slightly-higher-anxiety-than-the-average-bear. Bear in mind, I am going to put a spotlight on that here, so please don't take this as a truly objective or wholistic perspective. I cannot be objective, nor does the spotlight allow for a wholistic perspective.

In my second year at university, I finally had my first no-doubt-this-is-what-is-going-on-here panic attack. I experienced it as something rather debilitating, and it has taken a lot of work on my part not to live in that space perpetually.

It's been interesting to observe myself during this cross-country move, to watch how I've responded to the inevitable anxieties of such major change.

I'm realizing now that my anxiety is somewhat cyclical in nature. When under stress of most types, I will go through periods of feeling clear and being able to respond to my anxiety without getting swept in. These are productive periods, happy times, and periods when I am able to empower others effectively while maintaining a healthy sense of boundaries. I am able to take a compliment, and generally process negative and positive feedback in the healthiest way I can (though I tend to do best with small, informal doses at one time, dispensed in loving, gentle, and personal formats). I go into "planning" mode. I am decisive. I am able to see my own vision-- for anything I'm working on-- and map out a way to get there. I communicate lovingly and effectively overall. I am in touch with my "better self."

Then, something will happen, and the anxiety will sweep over me again. All stress feels too much to bear. I cry and am irritable. I feel unclear. I can map out a way to get somewhere, but I feel doubtful about where I am headed and the steps feel so shaky that I can't tell if I am on the right footpath. I become frightened of my own inadequacies, and I can't thus empower others because it is too scary to give up control. And yet, I am too paralyzed by my own fears to do anything. I procrastinate. Negative feedback, even in loving, gentle, small, and personal doses, throws me off kilter. I can't find my footing. I lose my voice. I become out of step with my community.

On the outside, I can sometimes go through an anxious phase and even manage to maintain some semblance of normalcy. But as soon as I am "caught," I feel trapped and even more afraid. I don't like being vulnerable like that, so I push others away. I am ungracious, unforgiving, defensive, and restless.

I resort to coping skills that serve me in some ways, diminish me in others. I use my sense of humor. I put off my biggest tasks and do only very small bits. I sleep. I vent to my wife. I avoid human contact.

Again, I've worked a lot on this over the years. I go to therapy weekly. I attend to my prayer life, to the extent that I can manage at this time. I have taken herbal supplements like Saint Johns Wort and also used Rescue Remedy as a homeopathic treatment. I've taken courses in meditation, and I practice little skills when I don't have time or energy for something more intensive.

I am most conscious that I need to be careful to role model healthy rather than unhealthy coping skills to my children, that I need to be careful that they aren't exposed to the full extent of my anxiety, and that sometimes I just need to "get over" something and do it (like actually talk to a server at a restaurant rather than having my wife do it because I am feeling socially anxious) so that I am more comfortable and so are those folks around me (especially the kids).

But because of the immensity of change in my life this year, I find that just as soon as I start to catch my breath, something pushes me back under water and I can't quite find the strength to pull myself out as easily as years when I've had a little less going on (hah! when was that?).

I am learning, through this experience, those things that help me find success:

Internal

• My prayer practice. If I can't attend to my prayer life in full, I ought to at least find time to do a very small amount each day.
• Recognizing that most folks struggle with their own perceived inadequacies, anxieties, and so forth. That is, normalizing my challenges rather than using them as further tools for my own isolation. This also helps me in the sense of ministering to others.
• God. My therapist told me a little while back that when I get into "what if" thinking, I should have a word that I can use to finish that sentence to help me keep out of my own spiral of anxious thoughts. So now when I hear myself starting to say, "what if," and getting catastrophic in my thoughts, I say "what if God?" It instantly helps to soothe me. **Note: I've never shared this with anyone before, so you can imagine what a private practice it is for me. Not sure I would take too kindly to someone else trying to say it for me LOL.
• Empowering others and being gracious, even when I don't feel like I can. I've found that this can start another type of spiral. A much more positive, healthy one.
• Being clear about ownership. I own my power, and my therapist has helped me understand that my cycle of anxiety involves a point (usually very early on) when I decide to let others define my worth, the worth of what I do, and the power of my contributions. I inevitably not only give away my power, but I also choose to "hear" only the negative, only those non-affirming things. Even when I am arguing against them in my mind, they eat away at me because I don't own anything positive. And so ultimately, I am not just giving my power to others, but also giving my power to those things that don't affirm my worth. I do this because it is familiar-- it's a long-time pattern of thought for me-- and what is familiar is always less scary than what is unfamiliar. When I do this, I get so scared. I am not able to affirm other folks in their goodness or in their power. How can I possibly affirm goodness and power in others when I can't even find it in myself? I find it really helpful to own in myself a sense of competence and worth, and then to use that sense of self-worth to help light the candles of others (remember that when one candle lights another, it does not diminish that first light). When I do this, and I feel others reaching out to me in diminishing ways, I can set my self apart from that behavior, often without setting myself apart from the person.
• Assuming competence. Placing trust in my self, my intuition, and the value of my contributions is critical. When I am in a place of self-trust, I don't need to worry. I know that one way or another, a wave can rush over me without pulling me under. I can trust that I know where I am headed. I can trust my own instinct and tools to get me there. AND, even better, I find myself assuming that about others too. I can let the birds fly without trying to control where they are going and how they get there.

External

• A mentor. I am considering paying to see a spiritual guide. I know those unfamiliar with such a practice will wonder why one might get paid for it. But like therapy, I think it can compliment my other work. I realize now that I had a spiritual guide (of the kind I didn't pay)-- someone who had the skills I am learning to develop-- back in my old state, but I don't here. A mentor would help me in life's constant discernment that I feel is critical to growing in healthy ways, both personally and professionally.
• Compliments. The other day my assistant told me I was "one of the highlights" of her year. As I debate about whether regularly praising my kids will slow their development of internal rather than external motivation, I am realizing how much I benefit myself from praise. Because I am prone to anxiety, and I easily get into distorted internal thinking, it helps to have benchmarks...affirmations...that help restore me to clearer thinking and yank me out of my distorted internal dialogue.
• Recognition of my best self. I am realizing how much I benefit from living in an environment where others see the self that I am not always able to see, and are able to help me hold that understanding constantly through all the trials and tribulations of the life's work I have taken on: my marriage, my vocational call, and my call to parent. I am really missing my friends and colleagues and all the folks at the foster care department back in my old state because this is exactly how they related to me. Some people are motivated by constant feedback, both positive and negative. That's how they learn. Because the negative becomes so amplified for me, I benefit more from the motivation of an understanding of how good I am. I benefit from regular reminders that accessing that self is not as hard as I work it up to be. One of the things that has sustained me through this trying and exhausting year was one of my last conversations with my former supervising minister. He, who had become a beloved friend and colleague, as much as a supervisor, looked me straight in the eyes and said "Just remember how good you are." I truly could not have made it this year if I couldn't hear those words in my head, affirming my best self. And I know he believed it because there was not a moment when I didn't feel that way with him, even in the handful of times he gave me directions or corrections or even constructive criticism (which he only gave when absolutely necessary...he knew that I was critical enough of my self for the both of us). And he spoke always highly of me among our shared and separate colleagues. I try to take this approach with those I supervise now. It is a basic part of learning theory that we learn best when we feel safe. I assume that we will all be growing in our lives and that we can grow best when others see the people we are becoming.
• Knowing where I stand. When my wife comes to me and affirms my place in our family, and then gives me some gentle, loving, constructive criticism, but is direct with me, I avoid the spiraling inventions in my head that grow out of my anxiousness. "Is she going to lose it someday and not be able to tolerate this any longer? What then?" "How long was this bothering her before she ever told me?" "Is this worse than it seems?" "Does this represent some greater ill in her perception of our marriage?" "Is this a bottom line thing for her?" "Does she feel like we can make it through this?" I was always the kid who physically felt like she had to vomit when called to the teacher's desk. In my mind, I was going to be caught in something awful I didn't even know I did. Tears would well up in my eyes before I even arrived at the desk. That's why for me, (1) spontaneous feedback helps-- because then I don't start cycling into the anxiety before I even have heard what needs to be said-- I don't cry my way to the desk, (2) gentle, loving feedback helps because I don't start questioning my place and worth as I am prone to do, and (3) direct feedback in small doses helps because it requires less interpretation and leaves less room for distorted thinking. Back when my former supervising minister and I began working together (and he knows this because I later shared it with him), his quiet-nature often brought out my anxiousness. He would be completely still and silent as I spoke, and I would start going a million miles a minute in my mind: "I wonder if he is mad. What if he didn't like what I just said. What if his silence is a sign of dismissal." etc. I quickly began to learn the way my internal dialogue was distorting reality to a point of paralyzing anxiety, and it was completely unnecessary because he had a great respect for me and my work.
• Contact with others. I am finding the more social contact I have with others, as much as it sometimes *gives* me anxiety to have it, ironically makes me less likely to get into my out-of-control, spiraling cycle of anxiety. I think moving into a more walker-friendly area of this city, and into more of a neighborhood will be *tremendously* beneficial to my mental health. Even my house-warming party I think will be helpful. Next year I am also going to keep tighter office hours with my assistant, so I can spend less time alone in my office. Additionally, I am going to try to spend more of my lunches at the staff lunch (folks generally eat at the dining table together at noon), since being on a different level of the building than all but my assistant contributes to my feelings of isolation and lack of coordination with others here.
• And beyond just contact with others, I do best in an environment of routine and activity. Nothing hugely fast paced (I am finding myself having a very hard time adjusting to the pace of the east coast...and even my wife, who grew up out here, is saying the same thing about herself), but for example, when I went to water aerobics twice a week with one of my wife's co-workers, it really did me a lot of good. I've got to find that sense in my new life here as much as possible because that is how I thrive.

I am finding that when I assume others have fairly similar needs, the quality of all my relationships, both personal and professsional, is deeper, more sustaining for everyone, more loving, more compassionate, more joyful, more powerful, and more healthy. And it makes me more effective in my ministry to boot. Interesting stuff.

What a Day!! More House Updates

Well, we got it right.

Our final offer and the offer of the other buyers were almost IDENTICAL, down to the closing date.

We had these two small advantages:

1. They liked our letter :-).

2. We had offered a higher down payment, making things a bit more secure. Actually, I put in for a higher down payment than our own agent had first suggested, as I wanted to make this a competitive offer and had a strong feeling, given the high interest in the house, that this kind of thing might be coming into play.

So they leaned toward putting us in first position.

Only problem is that we had marked that we were going to do a lead inspection. In our state, once an inspection is done, it goes on state record and by state law you MUST get the lead removed. From their perspective, the concern was that if the sale fell through at some point before closing, they'd be stuck with a lead record on file at the state and obligated to deal with it.

So they asked if we would be willing to put off the lead inspection until after the closing. Eyyyyeee! This made me nervous.

If we said yes, that we would put it off, we'd go into "first position," they'd accept our offer, and the other buyer would be the backup. But, it would also mean there would be no possible negotiation for shared cost toward lead abatement, and worse...that we wouldn't be able to back out from the house if we find out the abatement would add up to $50,000 or something! Once we buy it, we are after all, sort of stuck with it.

If we said no, that we needed the inspection done pre-sale, it would mean they'd put our offer in as a backup offer and accept the other buyer's offer. So, quite possibly, we wouldn't get the house.

I quickly called a de-leading agency and got a cost range that is typical for houses of this age and type in this condition in our area. Of course it can vary, widely, so I asked about best and worst case scenarios.

Then I called the foster licensing office, and they said they are not currently requiring de-lead certificates. The woman I spoke with basically indicated that we'd be okay. She just warned me that I would be legally liable if any child in my care got lead poisoning (and they DO do regular lead testing here on all children by law).

She said to make sure that all potential sources of lead were as encapsulated as possible, and to check through the house during the other inspections and make sure that as many things as possible were updated, ranging from replacement of doors and windows to no peeling paint, etc...I think we should be okay on that front (the house has almost all new windows, etc.). We should even be able to avoid an inspection entirely.

So we told the sellers that yes, we'd hold off on the lead inspection, if we end up doing it, until after closing.

They also asked us if we knew about the fact that the roof is old (we had a good feeling it was) and if we knew about the asbestos in the basement (we did...it appears that it is likely all encapsulated). We said yes, and then we received word that they would be accepting our offer.

At 10 minutes before 5pm, I got the fax signing off on our ammended offer. But they also added "All home inspections are for informational purposes only," and were asking for our initial of agreement.

Wow! We weren't expecting that. Talk about elation followed by complete confusion. Say what?!

We pressed the pause button.

I went and talked to our agent in person. Basically, the sellers have a backup offer, and more folks eager to write offers. The house has been shown non-stop since going on the market. They don't feel that they need to get involved in a bunch of petty negotiations after inspection.

Honestly, even if they didn't put that sentence in there, they'd have a total and complete upper hand in negotiating because of the interest in the property and the secure back up offer. So even without the statement added in, its not like successful negotiation is much of a possibility for us in any case.

That said, though the bid document does later state that we have the right to withdraw our offer based on an unsatisfactory inspection within a two day period after the inspection, I felt that the add-in sentence was contradictory, and I didn't want any legal questions to arise about whether one nullifies the other. So before intialing, I wrote in: "However, buyer has the right to withdraw offer based on any unsatisfactory home inspections." Precedent in real estate law should cover the rest. I just felt that my addition to their unexpected addition was a safety measure.

Of course, if there is a major issue (like say, if there is termite damage to the house), as my agent explained today, we'd still try to negotiate it. The fact is, if this was discovered, the sellers would have to take care of it, whether we were the buyers or not. They'd have to disclose the finding to the next buyers, and it's not like a bank would fund a loan for a house with termite damage, so the next buyers aren't likely to pick up the sale at that point. So, *that* kind of thing-- the major stuff-- we'd still be in a position to push a little.

But anything else that might come up during inspection, we have to decide whether it is worth the low-for-area-and-condition-of-the-house sale price or if we will need to pull out.

As seems to often be the case in selling and buying homes, it now "all comes down to inspections."

Awe, more nail biting.

I am sooooooooooooooooo now on the edge of my seat.

All that said, this does take the anxiety of more negotiations ahead nearly out of the picture. After some reflection, I am realizing that knowing the seller's bottom line actually puts us in a more secure position.

Plus, this should go quickly...we wrote into our original offer that we'd do inspections within seven days because we felt it showed in good faith that we wanted this to move fast. Only seven more days, and we'll know if we can move forward or not. Then, if we can move forward, all we have to worry about is financing...and THAT, we will indeed!!

Please send us good housing thoughts...

The latest:


The house has had showing after showing since officially going on the market. There is one other offer already. They had the advantage knowing there was already an offer on the table, so who knows what they put in...we did up our offer in response to that, but will it be enough???


They were going to meet about all this just over an hour ago, but I have heard not a thing. So, my heart is racing, just POUNDING.


I want to hear something!


(Also, our landlord called and said since she knows we are actively looking to put down an offer somewhere, she is going to start showing the house to renters rather than offering us the three month lease we'd all agreed on. I am starting to feel a lot of pressure building from all corners. Acck. It does not feel good.)


If you are willing, please send us good thoughts, visualize us in this house, whatever you are comfortable doing for us. Just being surrounded by your positive hopes means a lot to us.

Just a Few Houses Down

Just a few houses down from the house we put an offer on, there is this house:

MLS # 7 07 2 1030

(To see this listing, go to http://www.remaxadvantage.com/search.asp?search=standard&agentid=104861, scroll down to where it asks for the MLS number, and plug in the number but take out all the spaces.)


The listing price is $122,000 more than the listing price on the house on which we have our offer. When I saw that, I felt pumped! "Talk about a great deal we're going to get" I thought. And the houses looked about the same size, so I was thinking they are comparable. Now I have a chance to sit down and actually look.

So, to keep my head on my shoulders, below is what a person gets for $122,000 more than what we are offering on a house just down the street by a short row of houses that all look about equivilant. I am not placing a value judgement on the following. Sometimes something will be both a pro AND a con (for example, more space equals higher utilities, more to maintain, and more to clean, but also means some room to grow, etc.) With old houses like these, a lot of times it is also comparing apples and oranges. The price comparisons are interesting, but may or may not tell the whole story. Each house has its own character.

For $122,000 more on the same street...
1. 1,000 more square feet
2. An additional bedroom, and ALL bedrooms are large.
3. 0.2 fewer acres. A yard with nice child-friendly landscaping...but no pool either.
4. Granite countertops
5. Natural gas as the fuel source
6. A partially finished basement, with a fireplace (but as far as I can tell, this is the only one)
7. Three sets of stairs to climb...four levels
8. A narrow staircase
9. One fewer garage spaces, but two more total parking spaces
10. The same number of bathrooms
11. Clapboard rather than vinyl siding
12. Water seeping into the basement in either house, sump pumps in both
13. No appliances, except for the range
14. A storage shed
15. A seller whose sale is subject to buying a new home-- in other words, sale is "subject to seller finding suitable replacement housing"
16. A walk up attic
17. A security system
18. A house that is two years older

Now here is something that blows my mind: with that kind of square footage, why are they paying $2,646 in taxes when I would be paying $3,247? Doesn't something seem to be terribly "off" here.

I talked with my dad tonight, and he took the opportunity to forewarn me about the cost of upkeep for pools. I knew that they would be an extra cost, but I didn't think it would be as bad as he made it sound. Like I wasn't already worried enough about the higher mortgage than our previous house and the higher taxes. (And the fact that G. is not currently working.) But my dad knows relatively first hand about pool care, since his parents have one. Ugh.

Time for cold feet I think. I ALWAYS get it.

But my dad and I laughed about it and said that the "best I can hope for right now" is that my "offer does not get accepted." I think I'll be freaked out both ways: if I get it and if I don't. Ah, the joys of house-hunting.

My Assistant Came In!

...and everything is okay. Just thought you all should know. Phew! One more lesson in the degree of my social anxiety.

Yep!!

That's THE ONE.

I loooooooove it.

That said, here's the obligatory pros and cons list:

PROS

• The location is good, both for re-sale and for our purposes. There is stuff we can walk to, including a park.
• This house is totally move-in ready!
• The house is vinyl sided, so we won't have to worry about painting it. In this climate, this is a big issue because here houses need to be painted frequently.
• Most of the windows are updated.
• There is a new furnace.
• There is a lovely little inground pool-- K. will LOVE it.
• It is the perfect size. Not impossibly large, but not too small for our purposes either.
• Our agent thinks this house is likely underpriced, but it is not a foreclosure or a short sale. She just listed a house (without a pool) in this same neighborhood. It didn't have a garage and was listed at $267,000. She immediately received six offers. This is a DEAL (though the downside to that is that we're probably going to have to fight for this one, and it is already the top of our price range).
• All appliances are included in the price, and they are newer appliances.
• The mantel on the fireplace is beautiful, there is a window seat in the living room looking out to the front street (M will love it!) and there are a few nice built-ins and storage spaces throughout...including a nice built in bookcase in the smaller bedroom.
• The staircase is nice and wide (easier for moving furniture, and feels more comfortable too)
• There are a lot of windows, for great ventilation. The ceilings are somewhat high, which adds to the house's good open feeling.
• The house has been well maintained and feels like it is in good condition. The floors are also in relatively good shape.
• The master bedroom, while it doesn't have its own bath, is very close to the bathroom and is very large: 14x20 at least. A second bedroom is also a good size.
• There is a lovely sunroom type space on the first floor that could be used as an office or playroom, or for any number of purposes. It's great!
• There is an enclosed sunroom type porch next to the pool.
• The driveway is shared. Often this would be a big draw-back. However, there is still a two car garage (apparently with a garage door opener), the driveway is well maintained and wide enough for its shared use, and it also means maintance is shared with the neighbors (and word is, the neighbor's sons shovel it).
• The seller's agent is in the same office as our agent, which may give us some advantage in getting an offer accepted.

CONS

• This is at the top of our price range, and the taxes on this property are also rather high.
• There is not a real back or side yard. There is the pool, which is gated. Then there is also a paved area that the current owners have set up as a nice children's play space. In addition, there is a small area outside of the paved and pool areas. It currently has stones as well as a stone walkway, and a patio-swing. The no-yard factor is actually a pro for us because experience shows we can't maintain a yard very well. We have a very hard time with that. However, we do have a large dog to think about. On the other hand, our dog is 12 years old (so not buying a house because of her may not be adviseable), and there is a place for her to go outside even if not ideal.
• There is asbestos on some pipes in the basement. However, they are encased, so it would only be an issue if we decided to do updates. We'll talk to the inspector about it during the inspections.
• The roof appears to be older. It may need to be replaced in the next few years (we'll find out in inspections).
• The heat is by oil, and there is only one heating zone=expensive. This is something, however, that we could probably address in the years to come given that there isn't major work to do elsewhere in the home aside from the roof.
• One of the bedrooms is very small, probably 8x8 or something. And there is no room for expansion. This is an issue for foster licensing, but because one of the bedrooms is very large, if G. and I were willing to take the smaller one at some point, we should be able to continue being licensed for the number of children we would like to care for.
• There is likely lead paint inside that we'll need to get removed.
• There will be costs associated with maintaining the pool, though the good news is that it seems well-maintained currently and they have done some updates on it.
• There is no open, neighborly porch.
• The basement does get some water, which is VERY common in this city, particularly with this type of foundation (however, there is a sump pump and a dehumidifer already installed).

I've called our agent, and she is at a doctor's appointment right now. She is going to call the selling agent and get a feel for urgency. If there is not an offer on the table yet and no word of one yet, I will meet with our agent tomorrow at 11am to write one. Otherwise, her brother (another agent) will be writing the offer with me later today, or she may do it after her appointment. Updated at 4:30 to say that she checked with the selling agent and we were the first to come in. The next showing isn't until tomorrow at noon, so we'll be able to write our offer tomorrow at 11am. I am so nervous about getting this offer right, so we are competative but don't break the bank. I really, really, really WANT this house, and I KNOW it will get other offers. It is unfortunate that I will do this without G. having seen the property, but she said it sounds GREAT, so she is on board and excited. She just can't wait to see it.

Side note: The bad news is I was basically out of my office all day. I worked much of the day Monday (my usual day off), and a lot of Tuesday (despite missing my day off). My assistant had to be out both days for personal reasons. Today I was running late because I was seeing G. and the kids off to New York. Then G. called late this morning to say she got a flat tire. She usually can change a flat tire, but was having difficulty getting the tire off. She was on the Mass Pike and AAA said that when you are on the Mass Pike, they can't send somebody out. The state police have to come. The state police came, called somebody to help, but the folks were taking forever, and it was past the kids' nap time, and everyone was in quite a state. So I stayed on the phone with her until help arrived. Part of the time she had me on speaker phone talking to the kids, who were miserable, while she kept working to try to change the tire.

I came to my office this afternoon and found a note from my assistant saying she wasn't coming in tomorrow but would be in on Friday, and that she wouldn't have time to get several things done. I don't mind at all. But I called to check and make sure everything was okay, and she seemed short with me. I have been in late a lot lately, and I know that makes her work harder because we can't chat in person about stuff. I value her so much, and I am terrified that I have really let her down. I have such a knot in my stomach. I hope everything is okay with her and between us as well. She is amazing! I have always been paranoid about my own inadequacies, and whenever anything like this happens, I always assume I am making someone's life miserable and that our relationship is coming undone. I know there are a thousand other things that could be happening, but boo hoo! I am having super, super anxiety.

House Hunting This Weekend!

I am getting anxious about buying a house.

My agent says that buyers are coming back to the market in droves at the moment (after I asked her because it seemed like every house we liked got an offer before we could get in to see it).

I don't want to have sold at the absolute bottom of the market only to have to buy when the market is in full upswing.

I'm irritated.


So I asked our agent to show us a handful of houses on Sunday. I picked them out. Let me show you the one I like the best right at the moment:

Why do I like it so much?



Location...Location...LOCATION
+a front porch *and* a back deck!!

To see the full listing, go to http://www.remaxadvantage.com/search.asp?search=standard&agentid=104861, scroll down to where it asks for the MLS number, and plug in the following (but take out all the spaces):

70 744 9 18
(note: at some point I will take this down)


This house just might have the potential to make the house-hunting process joyful again. When I think about it, I get butterflies in my stomach.

BUT, it is not perfect. Here is the ol' pros and cons list:

PROS

• It is within our price range in a location I ADORE! I like the location because it is in an area of the city considered broadly to be desireable (good in terms of an investment), but it is in a more economically mixed portion of that area (good in terms of our souls). There are trees and sidewalks in the neighborhood (you'd be surprised by how little of that there is out here), and there appear to be families with children around. It is walking distance to a lot (at least in comparison to everything we've found in this city so far). I haven't even seen it all yet. A new vegetarian restaurant (seriously unheard of out here) just opened up a few blocks away (I swear we could single-handedly keep it open)!! From what I could tell, we could walk to at least a couple different restaurants (granted one is a faster-food type chain), to at least one if not two pharmacies, to a youth center with a basketball court and a very tiny park (see below under cons for some issues), to a "corner store," and MORE! You just don't get that kind of thing in most areas of this strip mall city. It is on a side of town that really appeals to me, despite being very congested through the route to my work...however, it is in the perfect spot because there is a short-cut I can take. It should be a ten minute drive to work, I think. The location makes me want to put an offer on it site unseen, for crying out loud! I swoon.
• As I said, it has a really cute porch! PLUS a nice looking, big deck!
• The backyard is perfectly level, very well-maintained and seemingly low maintance, and seems to be of decent size. It appears to be fenced, though the back portion of the fence would need to be replaced with something more dog-proof.
• It has a newer boiler, newer water tank, replacement windows, and vinyl siding.
• Supposedly the kitchen and bathroom have been updated.
• All appliances are included.
• Heating is by gas (much cheaper than oil), and the water heater also works by gas. Given the smaller size of the house, heating should be affordable.
• The house is pretty darn cute. Even cuter in person than in the photo.

CONS

• While I love the location, there are some issues with the location. On the next street over, there is a medium-size liqour store. Across from that there is a trashed out, ill-maintained Rite Aid (pharmacy). Though the house is less than a half mile from a park, it hardly deserves the title. The park is right on a majorly busy street. There is graffiti all over the park, and all it consists of a lonely slide and a few swings and *a lot* of litter. Though it is next to the youth center, it feels very sketchy, especially as night begins to fall. Also, across the street from the park is a commercially owned (though small) stadium. On one hand, I want to get involved in cleaning up and adding to that playground, but part of me thinks it's hopeless.
• This is another house with potential size issues. Again it is one the same size as our old house that we felt we had outgrown. I do feel that having porch and deck space increases the size of a home on some level, but we are a growing family.
• Also, a big red flag here is that the listed square footage differs greatly from public record (it is listed with a few hundred more square feet).
• The room sizes are not listed, and the rooms look small...especially that rinky, dinky supposedly updated kitchen. If any of the bedrooms is smaller than 10x10, we can't buy this house due to foster licensing.
• The bedrooms are divided between two floors. Ack! I don't know if I can handle that.
• Right now there are carpets everywhere. It says there are hardwoods under all carpets, but there is no way to know what condition they are in or even if this is true.
• There is only one bathroom, there is no fireplace (Waaaaaaaahhhhh...I really, really, really want a house with a fireplace damnit! A lot! How much does it take to add one?), and though there are four off-street parking spaces, there is no garage.
• There is likely lead, which means for foster licensing we'll be sinking a bunch of money into the house right away to de-lead. On the other hand, this is an issue with most of the houses out here.
• There is only one heating zone (more expensive, less efficient, and less environmentally friendly), and the heat is also by steam which is a potential issue with M's asthma.
• I am not a fan of wallpaper personally, and it has wallpaper in every room.
  

So what does it mean when you love the location in so many ways, but there are also other glaring location concerns?

And they say to always buy for location, but when does location trump other downsides?

I know, I know. I haven't seen it inside yet, and I could end up hating it. Plus, for all I know they'll already have accepted another offer by Sunday. And knowing my luck, this won't work out. But for now I can't stop thinking about it.

Journey of An Aspiring Allie, Part II

...continued from yesterday, this is the second in a series of posts about a personal journey I have been on. The posts include a video tour. I hope you'll read posts in this series in order starting with yesterday's.

Motherhood meets us where we lack imagination.


In my case it met me in my own fears about the unknown of "the future," in my own need to control "outcomes" to feel safe, in the stories I was telling myself of scarcity...that the world is a place where we need to fight to make sure our needs are met.


From those first moments together in the special care nursery, M. has been the apple of my eye. I love him. I adore him, and the wholeness of who he is has almost seamlessly been incorporated into the very spirit of my being.

Each day, the creative, loving exchanges between myself and my son are the source of new imaginings. I am braver now, venturing into the future with a sense of optimism that perhaps only a parent of young children can have. Of course I worry like a parent of young children now too, I worry and fret and feel the weight of the world on my shoulders-- on one hand-- but on the other hand, I have found a new grace.

M. does not yet know that the rest of us, the adults in the world, have lost so much of our ability to imagine. He is not self-limiting. He can not be. He is still blessed with the infancy of being in which the greatest concentration of creativity lies.


This gift I have been given is but a precious and fleeting one, to glimpse the infinite, the ultimate. To feel GOD. I cannot explain this creative synergy, this most delicious spark, any other way.

And it is only in the form of a muted veil, periodically blown across my face-- especially when M. was younger and I was yet a newborn to this treasured space in my spirit-- that I worship the idols of limited imaginings, of futures defined by concepts of limited spiritual value. That I grieve, for example, possibilities of college or marriage as I have scripted them, fearful that because M. has this or that neurological challenge in his life, that he will somehow miss out on something I have deemed necessary for a "good life."

"Real idolatry in the Jewish and Christian tradition does not have to do with the worship of statues or pagan altars. Idolatry is rather the profoundly serious business of committing oneself, or betting one's life, on finite centers of value and power as the source of one's confirmation of worth and meaning, and as the guarantor of survival with quality." --James Fowler


M. has challenges and strengths. He is an active, engaged person, and an everyday two year old too. M.'s world is wide open, and without hesitation he is inviting me in.

In that spirit, I bring to you a second video. It was in one of those most vulnerable moments of falling out of grace, that I first saw this video. It was uncomfortable for me to watch (probably in part because of my own sensory issues that make the first 3.15 minutes or so hard for me, and probably in part because of how it rubs against the alignment of ultimate truth and the ways I have found myself disconnected from "God" by fear). Yet, I've found myself drawn back to watch it again and again, each time a little more captivated and a little more hopeful.

Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JnylM1hI2jc&feature=related