Another Ah-F**k!

Pause from my especially long-winded, possibly ridiculous home economics 101 posts.

I had another "ah-f**k!" moment related to my divinity school application. Harvard has updated its admissions page. It now lists the application deadline as January 11th. That's good. Now I know.

The problem? It also lists the GRE as a requirement for the application. It previously specified that it was required only for some of the programs, but not for the M.Div. Not sure if that was an error, or if the requirement has actually changed since last year, but I specifically noted the absence of the requirement a few months ago because it seemed odd that it wasn't.

So there you are. It was odd, and the situation is now remedied...for Harvard, that is. For ME, it introduces a total moment of F**k! F**k! F**k!

Besides the obvious:

1. I was already behind in my schedule to complete the application materials. I am really struggling...REALLY struggling with my personal statement, and I haven't even begun my other essays let alone other components of the application. Heck, I don't have all my transcripts.

If this was the only thing I had to worry about that would be one thing, but I am also behind in a major way at work. I don't think I've ever been this behind in August, and I'm really not sure I can pull the fall off. I am scared. I don't have time-- AT ALL -- to add studying for the GRE to my plate. Not at all.

2. I have incredibly big-time test-taking anxiety. In fact, despite my 4.0/4.0 record in college, I actually took an alternative route into college (starting first as a "guest student") partly because I had avoided the SATs at all costs after taking and doing poorly on my PSATs. I can handle tests, somewhat, in an academic setting when something like entry into a school isn't hanging in the balance, but an admissions test. No, no, no!! I can't deal.

3. I don't know if I can just take the general GRE or if I have to take one of the specific ones. The list doesn't say, and even THAT stresses me out. But on top of that, just the general GRE costs a whopping $150! To take it one freakin' time! I can't even afford the reduced test fee of $75. Heck, I am going to have to save my pennies to just submit my applications to the two schools at which I am applying.

4. I already worried that my application was weak on demonstrating my academic strengths. I only took two graduate level courses during my time as an undergraduate. I was not well-rounded in my studies (or my extracurricular activities). I took more 100 or 200 level classes than I remembered taking. I attended two community colleges and a total of four schools (I wish I could just explain on my application what a difference that made for me financially). All my math and science classes were at community college...not that this is a big thing for seminary, but it shows I wasn't challenging myself as fully as I otherwise could have, that I wasn't taking on academic challenges. I have no language courses in my background AT ALL. Plus, I am still trying to make sure I am actually going to be able to get academic letters of reference, since my professors are MIA. Now this?! Now freakin' this?!

5. It's a computer test, not a paper test. I don't do well at all on computer tests, not even at the DMV for crying out loud!

I am about a half inch away from dropping my application to Harvard entirely. ENTIRELY.