Friday, April 11, 2008

When Your Normal Brain is Abnormal

I haven't posted pictures of my brain because I haven't figured out how to save the pictures from the disk onto the computer or even directly onto the blog. The images are viewed using a special program that is on the disk. Suggestions are welcome. The images are creepy and beautiful and amazing and wild all at the same time. I wish I could share them.

I talked with the nurse at my neurologist's office today, and she said the MRI results were normal. My response was disappointment. "That's discouraging," I told her, "Now I don't have any more answers."

The neurologist warned me about this when we scheduled the MRI. She said something like 70% of abnormal EEGs (and I think she also said new onsets of seizures too) have no known cause. I was just hoping I'd be among the 30% for whom a cause could be determined. But instead, I am stuck with an f'ing NORMAL MRI, and I really don't know what I am supposed to do with that.

I want something not too serious but treatable (and definable)! I don't want to continue taking meds with a bunch of side effects if they only are based on a rough guess abut what is going on. Right now I think the meds could be making a difference, but it is so hard to tell with the accompanying fatigue.

What does one do when one's structurally normal brain is behaving in abnormal ways?
I wouldn't feel so badly about the results if my neurological functioning didn't seem at all "degenerative" to me, if my quality of life wasn't declining in any way. I also might not feel so badly if I could think of more upsides to these particular problems. So on that note, here is my attempt to make light of a dark situation........

Top 10 Reasons Memory Loss, Unreliable Cognitive Functioning, and Funky Lack of Common Sense Are Awesome:

10. I've given up on trying to memorize anything.

9. I'm learning to be a very good note taker.

8. Being a good note taker means that I have quotes, written on paper, to back up my arguments when someone denies what they've said :-).

7. I don't look at the world like anyone else...I am very unique.

6. I don't feel obligated to talk to any particular near-strangers when I am out and about...I don't know if I know them.

5. Everyday I start fresh and new.

4. I don't worry as much about all those things I have to do...I don't remember that I have to do them (actually I worry MORE, but this is a top 10 list in good humor and I am supposed to be thinking positively).

3. Now there is a good reason people are calling me an oddball.

2. I don't remember a lot of stuff I wouldn't want to remember anyway.

1. When I am brilliant, I feel extra elation because it is so rare now.

No comments: