Skills For Life: Responding to Hurt Feelings

Sometimes as a parent, as I try to teach my children important lifeskills, it becomes readily apparent that I am still learning some of these skills.

Take for example, say, hurt feelings. My tendency is to internalize negative stuff. And then I get into a cycle of anxiety where I can't let it go and instead run the tape of whatever happened over and over in my head, worrying and feeling badly. And then, since I can't forever function with that going on, I eventually stuff it. It's something I've periodically worked on with therapists, but never quite mastered...the skill of being open and non-defensive without also internalizing everything negative that happens to me.

What do you do? What are your best skills when your feelings are hurt? (And bonus question: What are the most effective ways you've noticed kids build and practice these skills?)

How It Went Last Night

I really, really enjoyed getting out and watching the debates. It was so much less lonely than watching them just by myself or with G. Politics is so much more fun when in a group. It was great fun to hear the laughter, groaning, or "what did he just say?!" type comments rush through the crowd.

It was a smallish crowd, but a crowd nonetheless. Maybe 18 or 20 other folks. The restaurant was not very conducive to mingling, however. There was the U-shaped bar that was very large and took up most of the room, and then several booths on one side (the far side from the door). When I arrived, all but one of the booths were filled with small groups of folks who had come together. The booth side of the bar (again, that would be the far side of the bar) was also filled with people who appeared to be present in pairs or small groups. Near the arched part of the "U" there were four or five folks standing and chatting, and after I sat down they went over to one of the booths. I would have had to "pardon me" my way through them to get to the other side of the bar. That wasn't very motivating because what would I have actually done once over there? Everyone seemed to have arrived there with people they knew, and were sitting and in conversation with one another. I couldn't even tell who was actually there for the party and who was just there as a patron of the bar.

I couldn't think of a comfortable way to break into conversation. It just didn't have a real "party" atmosphere, with folks mingling. I kept thinking of less shy people in my family and circle of friends, and wondering if they would have thought of a way to break through despite the lack of mingling. I hate being shy!

Anyway, I sat down on the side of the bar with open seats, next to a couple (the only people sitting on that side). They left about a half hour after the debate started. Apparently they were just patrons of the bar, not attendees of the event. A couple of guys sat down behind me and seemed to be watching the debate, but at some point before the end they changed over to the sports channel, so I am not sure they were there for the party either.

I took out my laptop only to find the battery was dead (I had wanted to charge it for an hour ahead of time, but had locked myself out of church just an hour before-- long story-- and that developed into its own issue, so I wasn't able to get to an outlet on time). I had brought along my electrical cord, but couldn't spot a place to plug it in. I ordered a drink and an appetizer and tried to sit sort of leaned back in my chair so it was obvious I was open for conversation. But people remained seated pretty much the whole party through. When the debate ended, I was hopeful that folks would start chatting and mingling, but if it happened, it wasn't during the time I was there. I stayed for a little while, but it was late and I was getting really tired...plus, lots of folks got up and left.

I bet if the restaurant had provided a simple appetizer or two to party attendees, and circulated among the crowd with those, that would have really helped to make it more of a "party" atmosphere and therefore a good mingling atmosphere. Perhaps they would have had to close off the bar except to those attendees in that case, but that would have actually been better too because then there wouldn't have been the question of who was there for what reason. I certainly would have had an easier time overcoming my shyness if I knew that everyone was there for the party like I was.

In the future, I would want to come early so that I hopefully don't get seated out of where the party is going on. I definitely think I would bring my laptop, and maybe wear a campaign button (which no one seemed to be wearing last night?). Those seem like good visible signals of who is attending for the party. And now that I have an idea of what to expect, maybe I can think ahead of time about some good icebreakers to use with the people who will surely be sitting around me since I will be on the correct side of the bar LOL. Good icebreaker suggestions are certainly welcome!

My First "Debate" Party

I am going to watch the U.S. presidential candidate debates tonight. In fact, I am attending a "debate" party at a local restaurant. I'm actually really nervous. I have no idea what to expect, but I felt motivated to go since I need to start getting out and about in my new city and making friends outside of work.

I'll bring my laptop. The invitation says to do so. My laptop has been having "issues" lately, but if it is functional, I will blog while I am there. If nothing else, this will make the social aspect a little less awkward. Don't worry though ;-). My laptop is a notebook convertible, so I will keep it flat like a notebook and keep my eyes up and scanning the crowd so I am open for conversation opportunities.

I'll let you know what I think of the debates, and how the crowd is!

My Assistant Came In!

...and everything is okay. Just thought you all should know. Phew! One more lesson in the degree of my social anxiety.

Yep!!

That's THE ONE.

I loooooooove it.

That said, here's the obligatory pros and cons list:

PROS

• The location is good, both for re-sale and for our purposes. There is stuff we can walk to, including a park.
• This house is totally move-in ready!
• The house is vinyl sided, so we won't have to worry about painting it. In this climate, this is a big issue because here houses need to be painted frequently.
• Most of the windows are updated.
• There is a new furnace.
• There is a lovely little inground pool-- K. will LOVE it.
• It is the perfect size. Not impossibly large, but not too small for our purposes either.
• Our agent thinks this house is likely underpriced, but it is not a foreclosure or a short sale. She just listed a house (without a pool) in this same neighborhood. It didn't have a garage and was listed at $267,000. She immediately received six offers. This is a DEAL (though the downside to that is that we're probably going to have to fight for this one, and it is already the top of our price range).
• All appliances are included in the price, and they are newer appliances.
• The mantel on the fireplace is beautiful, there is a window seat in the living room looking out to the front street (M will love it!) and there are a few nice built-ins and storage spaces throughout...including a nice built in bookcase in the smaller bedroom.
• The staircase is nice and wide (easier for moving furniture, and feels more comfortable too)
• There are a lot of windows, for great ventilation. The ceilings are somewhat high, which adds to the house's good open feeling.
• The house has been well maintained and feels like it is in good condition. The floors are also in relatively good shape.
• The master bedroom, while it doesn't have its own bath, is very close to the bathroom and is very large: 14x20 at least. A second bedroom is also a good size.
• There is a lovely sunroom type space on the first floor that could be used as an office or playroom, or for any number of purposes. It's great!
• There is an enclosed sunroom type porch next to the pool.
• The driveway is shared. Often this would be a big draw-back. However, there is still a two car garage (apparently with a garage door opener), the driveway is well maintained and wide enough for its shared use, and it also means maintance is shared with the neighbors (and word is, the neighbor's sons shovel it).
• The seller's agent is in the same office as our agent, which may give us some advantage in getting an offer accepted.

CONS

• This is at the top of our price range, and the taxes on this property are also rather high.
• There is not a real back or side yard. There is the pool, which is gated. Then there is also a paved area that the current owners have set up as a nice children's play space. In addition, there is a small area outside of the paved and pool areas. It currently has stones as well as a stone walkway, and a patio-swing. The no-yard factor is actually a pro for us because experience shows we can't maintain a yard very well. We have a very hard time with that. However, we do have a large dog to think about. On the other hand, our dog is 12 years old (so not buying a house because of her may not be adviseable), and there is a place for her to go outside even if not ideal.
• There is asbestos on some pipes in the basement. However, they are encased, so it would only be an issue if we decided to do updates. We'll talk to the inspector about it during the inspections.
• The roof appears to be older. It may need to be replaced in the next few years (we'll find out in inspections).
• The heat is by oil, and there is only one heating zone=expensive. This is something, however, that we could probably address in the years to come given that there isn't major work to do elsewhere in the home aside from the roof.
• One of the bedrooms is very small, probably 8x8 or something. And there is no room for expansion. This is an issue for foster licensing, but because one of the bedrooms is very large, if G. and I were willing to take the smaller one at some point, we should be able to continue being licensed for the number of children we would like to care for.
• There is likely lead paint inside that we'll need to get removed.
• There will be costs associated with maintaining the pool, though the good news is that it seems well-maintained currently and they have done some updates on it.
• There is no open, neighborly porch.
• The basement does get some water, which is VERY common in this city, particularly with this type of foundation (however, there is a sump pump and a dehumidifer already installed).

I've called our agent, and she is at a doctor's appointment right now. She is going to call the selling agent and get a feel for urgency. If there is not an offer on the table yet and no word of one yet, I will meet with our agent tomorrow at 11am to write one. Otherwise, her brother (another agent) will be writing the offer with me later today, or she may do it after her appointment. Updated at 4:30 to say that she checked with the selling agent and we were the first to come in. The next showing isn't until tomorrow at noon, so we'll be able to write our offer tomorrow at 11am. I am so nervous about getting this offer right, so we are competative but don't break the bank. I really, really, really WANT this house, and I KNOW it will get other offers. It is unfortunate that I will do this without G. having seen the property, but she said it sounds GREAT, so she is on board and excited. She just can't wait to see it.

Side note: The bad news is I was basically out of my office all day. I worked much of the day Monday (my usual day off), and a lot of Tuesday (despite missing my day off). My assistant had to be out both days for personal reasons. Today I was running late because I was seeing G. and the kids off to New York. Then G. called late this morning to say she got a flat tire. She usually can change a flat tire, but was having difficulty getting the tire off. She was on the Mass Pike and AAA said that when you are on the Mass Pike, they can't send somebody out. The state police have to come. The state police came, called somebody to help, but the folks were taking forever, and it was past the kids' nap time, and everyone was in quite a state. So I stayed on the phone with her until help arrived. Part of the time she had me on speaker phone talking to the kids, who were miserable, while she kept working to try to change the tire.

I came to my office this afternoon and found a note from my assistant saying she wasn't coming in tomorrow but would be in on Friday, and that she wouldn't have time to get several things done. I don't mind at all. But I called to check and make sure everything was okay, and she seemed short with me. I have been in late a lot lately, and I know that makes her work harder because we can't chat in person about stuff. I value her so much, and I am terrified that I have really let her down. I have such a knot in my stomach. I hope everything is okay with her and between us as well. She is amazing! I have always been paranoid about my own inadequacies, and whenever anything like this happens, I always assume I am making someone's life miserable and that our relationship is coming undone. I know there are a thousand other things that could be happening, but boo hoo! I am having super, super anxiety.

Journey of An Aspiring Allie, Part III

...continued from a couple days ago, this is the third part of an approximately five part series on a personal "journey." I am hoping that you will read these posts in order, starting with my January 27th post, part I. I am also hoping that you will view the videos in my posts as they are interjected in the text, before reading further, even if this means you take a few days to read one post. Because this post has many videos, I'll take a few days before posting again to allow folks to catch up if needed.

This series is called: "Journey of an Aspiring Allie." Enjoy!


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Subtitle: THE EXCAVATION

(photo taken by my son)

I think it would probably be helpful for me to pause for a moment and say that while I have been referring to "autism," what I am actually thinking of is a vast array of labels used to explain neurological diversity of many types.

I also would like to say that M. does not have an diagnosis of autism at this time. He may or may not be on the spectrum, he may or may not have other neurological challenges, and over time I've come to consider this something about which he has the right to privacy if he so chooses. So while I've been open to date about M.'s strengths and needs, I will no longer be speaking openly about diagnoses, birthfamily history, or so called "risk factors" or contributing circumstances. I regret speaking in the past more openly. I will, however-- like any parent-- continue to be open in sharing with folks about ways to connect with M.
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This post will be messy because it is an excavation.

I can't recall any point in time when my thinking about autism dramatically shifted. It is unclear to me how much of that is because I have always had a similar line of thinking, how much of that is because of lack of clarity in my memories, how much of that is the result of memories colored by current perceptions, and how much of that is the result of this being a very slow evolution.

I can, however, identify some random memories that indicate a spectrum of thoughts I've had over the last several years, and also moments that have impacted my thinking greatly:

Spectrum of Thoughts

• Once upon a time, and this is extremely difficult to admit, I didn't think I had it in me to parent a child with a cognitive or neurological "disability." I can be impatient, and I am sooo intellectual. I worried I would snap at my child for not "keeping up with me" as I taught them about the world. I worried I would find it unfulfilling to parent a child who "wouldn't develop typically." I was really ignorant. I didn't put two and two together, that everyone is learning all the time. I didn't realize how fulfilling I would find it, including on an intellectual level, to find ways for my children and I to reach one another-- to really connect and learn TOGETHER-- in both "typical" and "atypical" ways. I didn't realize that I'd be the one having trouble keeping up with my kids as they teach me. And I didn't realize my heart's capacity. It was some time after I was thankfully stripped of my ignorance that I stumbled upon the following video, which so beautifully gave me a visual image to attach to what I want to be as a parent (autistic father and son): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=trym2trONes

• Non-sequentially, I have had very rare moments of wondering if I can connect with my son, and moments of feeling so wholly connected to M. that it is difficult to describe. The latter being my usual "state." I remember attending a workshop for parents of kids with special needs, and crying as we talked of tools of interaction that I felt would never be of use because M. at that time was bouncing off the walls and I felt I couldn't get his attention long enough to connect.

Moments of Impact

• My relationship with M.'s birthparents and their parents have been significant as I've evolved. This video illustrates some of the things I've been learning: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qn70gPukdtY
  
• I remember when my son was younger, going to a workshop on cranio-sacral therapy hosted by a local organization for parents of children with special needs. I overheard one parent complaining (in front of her autistic child) to another parent that "people just don't get how hard it is." She then explained how she sometimes "had" to lock her child "in a dark closet" for a while in order to "help" him "get under control." I was horrified by this abusive practice. I understand that children with autism may have some different needs in terms of parenting practice than children without autism, I don't think this is what is needed. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=82hWuQalYkw is a long video. If you don't have time to watch the whole thing, I suggest watching 1:00-3:45 and then 12:40-18:38, or at least 1:00-3:45 and then 12:40 through whatever point you want to stop it. Or you can skip it. The point is that this father is meeting his son where his son is. With so called "neurotypical" children, this is considered good parenting. But somehow, with children who have autism, all that seems to get thrown out the window by too many people. Suddenly, the goal becomes to fight and control our children. I didn't "get it" then, and I certainly don't now.

• One of the most significant shifts in my thinking came after I attended an introductory workshop of the HANDLE Institute http://www.handle.org/, at which point I began to see ALL behavior, my own and my kids' behavior, as communication. Related video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f15JexiQt4U I listened on CD to the most amazing book of all time: The Fabric of Autism: Weaving the Threads Into a Cogent Theory by the founder of HANDLE, Judith Bluestone (a neuroscientist who herself has autism). I no longer had any shred of belief that my son had a deficit, or that I had a deficit as a mother. Judith normalized both of us.

• There came a time in M.'s life, when I began associating with parents of the right type. Four videos that demonstrate what I mean by the right type: (1) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VZeESthh2_E (2)http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bYo3UW0nwEA (3) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xLjMs9NpEyY (4) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=teFYiE0Xt9M

• One of the most freeing aspects of this evolution I've been experiencing is a reconciliation with my own past. Starting with my eldest foster son, I recognized aspects of myself that are hidden by learned social and cognitive accomodation and compensation. I have a lot of memories from my childhood in which my inclinations were atypical, particularly my social inclinations. I continue to struggle in many ways. The example I am willing to share here publically is my compulsion in organization. I am so compulsively organized that if I can't get something organized 100% perfectly, I often have to tune it out completely (aka let it fall into total disarray) in order to keep my mind from looping in a continuous relationship with that and only that. In other words, I get stuck on my compulsions unless I find a way to block them completely, which has consequences of its own. I've learned a lot of coping mechanisms in this regard, some quite healthy and good, and some that I have now been working to unlearn. I asked my dad some time back if he felt that as a child I was developmentally delayed in any way. He told me that no, "if anything" I had been "socially advanced." However, current patterns in my life do reflect memories from my childhood that otherwise may or may not be accurate, and I think I've just learned increasingly sophisticated manners of compensation. I don't consider myself a poster child for what it means to be "neurotypical," and this really is helpful for me in connecting with M. We "stim" together. I honor my own sensory issues by honoring his issues. I find myself having almost infinite patience with him to the extent as I can tap into the special needs I have. We try new things together. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R6WwetWc5Q8

Phew! Always still more to say, but I'll give you a chance to read and digest. And I'll take a break from dealing with fragments and return to a more wholistic look in a couple of days. Talk with you more soon!