A Temporary Blog

I've decided to start a temporary blog to keep me going through this whole applying to school thing. If you want to have some fun helping me study for the GRE or anything, please don't hesitate to drop by.

http://atemporaryblogonapplyingtogradschool.blogspot.com/

Re-thinking the Revamp

G and the kids have been away for the week, but I can't say I have had much time for thinking, as this was one of my busiest weeks of the year at work. Still, tonight I took some time for myself (though I really didn't have the time), and I got to thinking about this blog.

I am not sure that I ever had a sense of what I wanted to do with my blog, but it may be that it has simply run its course.

When I first started writing, I knew that I didn't have enough of a focus to ever really get a readership beyond a small circle of family and friends. The blog was simply an outlet. Many times it has served as an emotional release, like a journal but with the comments of loved ones to periodically cheer me on. At times it was a release for my generative energy, an opportunity to express myself creatively through writing. And of course, on plenty of occassions it has also been my soapbox.

It allowed me to at least begin to speak out when I felt particularly disturbed by the things being said by an anti-adoption advocate who hangs out on one of my parenting discussion boards. It allowed me to speak about neurodiversity as I discovered the joy in celebrating how my brain, and my son's brain, are wired.

I could tell myself that it is a good way to keep in touch with my family and friends, but it would be narricistic to believe that to be the case. I don't post photos of my kids, and I always feel when I post their cute stories that I ought to be writing about something else, something more interesting to the "masses" and less in violation of the children's privacy of development.

The truth is that one of my best friends in the whole wide world called me some time ago and I had difficulty calling her back because of the time difference (NEVER underestimate the problems with time difference from coast to coast...I feel very isolated from old friends here), so I posted to her here instead. She had asked for an update, of course, so I am forgiving myself at least of that, but I didn't reach back out when I should have...thinking my post would suffice for the time. Many months later I learned of her brand, spanking new divorce. I am not sure how to process that, but I know that I have become overly reliant on this vehicle of communication with friends who deserve more of a two-way.

For a couple of years I have written on this blog without the slightest attention to the notion of attracting a "readership." I've been thankful for those of you who have accompanied me on parts of my life's journey through the blog, and have enjoyed reading your blogs in turn. But a few weeks ago I finally caved to the curiosity and went to Google Analytics to find out more about who was reading my blog, and I realized that it was actually mostly me.

Since this last spring, I have been working on strengthening a marriage that had gotten a little stretched at the seams and whose contents had shifted inside the package despite the fact that I wanted everything to stay put all neat and tidy the way I had arranged it. G and I are doing much better. In fact, we may be stronger than ever, but dealing with that meant I also had to begin to face some of my demons. In a major way. Demons I knew I had, and demons I didn't know existed. I am still facing off with them. And now I am considering seminary, and my world is simply changed. Things I thought I knew to be true no longer seem to be true. Things I thought not to be true have become real.

What I need to do now is to practice deep listening. I need to be fully and completely present in hearing others. I need to open my heart to learn, and I need to pay attention.

Something tells me that the months to come will require me to be still. To be disciplined. To be focused. And to rediscover that I can be a friend.

So I think this will be it. I think I am done.

I may start a new blog, or revamp this blog down the line. Of course I have ideas. I always have ideas. Topics of focus. Styles of writing to practice. Formats. But it's not a time for decisions right now.

If you are a UU reader or otherwise religious person who wants to continue to hear what I am doing in my vocational life, you will be able to find me this year at lifespanfaithdevelopment.blogspot.com. But it's not really a blog as much as it is an online newsletter.

Merry meet, merry part, and merry meet again!

Musical Interlude

Post on Spanking...and Worsening Neurological Symptoms or Simply Inattention?

Two things. First, I have written a long post about spanking and "the mainstream." As in, cultural shifts in the way we think about spanking...which as far as I am concerned is a vile practice. I had plans to follow that post with another about the flip-side of increasing societal intolerance for spanking, which is that I think struggling parents have difficulty finding help when they need it most. I would love to expand on that for you.

But then I re-read my post and also re-read this post over at Anti-Racist Parent and listened to this podcast and realized I needed to do some additional reflection on what constitutes "mainstream." So, my thoughts on spanking will have to wait. Meanwhile, I am thinking that is likely a positive development, as I recently decided that I would make a far greater effort to write shorter pieces. I wouldn't have achieved that with my spanking post, but perhaps with some time and thought it can be shortened.

In other news, I have been experiencing a disturbing neurological development this evening. It has to do with task planning and task completion. It looks something like this:

I think: I want to go find some Julia Child clips on Youtube.

I type: http://www.google.com/

No, no, that's not right.

http://www.yahoo.com/

What? Youtube. Youtube. Not Yahoo. Youtube.

http://www.hotmail.com/.

Finally I end up at Youtube website, staring at a blank screen, uncertain for several moments of why I was there. Ah, yes, Julia Child...




Anyway, spooky, huh? It has occurred three or four times this evening, including in preparing myself some dinner. The family is staying with MIL for the week, as a last "hoorah" of summer, so I am here at home by myself. I go to the kitchen and decide to make myself potato salad. Put some potatoes in a pot to boil, return to computer. A half hour later I think, "I am hungry," so I return to the kitchen, go to the fridge, and get out some leftover pasta. It is only upon taking the pasta to the counter to put it on a plate that I see the pot boiling away on the stove and remember what I had started out to do.

Am I being particularly absent-minded this evening, without the wife and kids here to keep me grounded on the planet, or am I experiencing a worsening of symptoms?

I want answers, damnit! I am so tired of hope for a diagnosis followed by things like, "Oh, your abnormal EEG was actually a normal abnormal variation." What on earth does that even mean?! For f*cks sake!

Reminders for Staying Cool

(pictured in a photo with mild color saturation and tinting is my sweaty son M, working to stay cool while still having fun outside...yea, my camera seems to be working for now!)

It's hot where I am. Is it hot where you are? If so, I have some reminders for you. It's all common sense stuff that we all do, but its so easy to forget to do basic things like keep hydrated...which at best leads to headaches and stuff, and at worse, can make us sick.

Your Home

Have all your windows and shades/blinds/curtains open at night, and close them early in the morning. You can open them back up when that area is shaded for the afternoon, or once night falls.

If the hot air is already starting to come in when you go to close the windows in the morning, or if it is particularly stuffy or humid and you have some shade, close the shades/blinds/curtains but not the actual windows.

Thick blankets can also do the trick if you don't have shades/blinds/curtains or if they are too thin to make a difference.

Avoid opening and closing doors.

Don't use any electrical appliances during the day. Don't run a dishwasher, put in a load of laundry, or vacuum. Wait until night to cook, if you can't limit your foods to cold foods only. To the extent possible, keep computers turned off.

If you have fans and can afford to run them, run them constantly rather than turning them on and off. Place fans near open windows during the cooler hours of the day, so they draw in cooler air from outside.

When you have a window open, whenever possible open a window on the opposite side of the room for cross ventilation.

Keep all lights turned off during the day.

Shut doors to rooms you won't be using (such as bedrooms), if they tend to be hot rooms. Consider relocating your activies, including sleep, to your coolest rooms. Leave doors to cool rooms open.

Your Body

Drink TONS of water. Whether you realize it or not, you are losing a lot of water in this weather...way more than is obvious. If you don't like water, try adding a little lemon juice or something.

Cold water feels great in hot weather, but water that is closer to our body temp may keep us cooler for longer.

Limit any drinks besides water. They'll make you think your thirst is satiated, but they won't hydrate you as effectively. Do not drink caffeinated drinks at all if you can avoid it.

Do low-key activities during the day. Wait for the evening to do higher gear activities. Limit your time heading out of your house to the evening, or spend some of the day in air conditioned buildings such as a library (but remember that once you're cool in there, your home is going to feel much hoter!).

Consider getting cool with a cool shower or cold pool or sprinkler...the warmer the water, the sooner your body will heat up again. Consider getting yourself as cold as you can...and stay wet for as long as you can rather than drying off right away.

Carry some folded heavy paper or anything with which to fan yourself...with or without also carrying a spray bottle of water. Or get one of those personal fans, with or without a spritzer.


Minimize clothes. ;-)

Question About Re-Vamping My Blog

Is there a way to put aside old posts, in a folder or something, so they are still accessible to folks doing a search or whatever...but they don't get in the way of a new style?

Home Economics 101: A Month On $40 For Family of Four Part III

This part could also be subtitled: Shopping

Alright, now in terms of shopping, in addition to the few tips I snuck into the last part of this series, here are the only other suggestions I have:

Don't spend any time in stores. None. Avoid stores like the plague. Especially non-grocery stores. Go when you have to, get what you are there for, and get out. Don't go to Target or any similar department stores, and certainly don't bring "plastic" with you (INCLUDING debit cards).

Shop with a list and pay in cash. Seriously, I thought that we had an incredibly tight from-scratch budget before, with few expendables, but I still saved myself a little money switching to cash.

Don't bring the kids with you when shopping. If you must bring kids, go at their cheeriest time of day when you are both well fed.

If you do bring the kids, and they ask for something off the list, don't say "we can't afford that" (a mistake I made until recently). Instead, per the suggestion of the author of Debt Proof Your Kids, say, "we don't choose to spend our money that way." Otherwise, they associate their situation with deprivation, and thus money with happiness. This will make them hungry to acquire. When the kids want something, now we talk about choices. I've learned this also helps me stay accountable for my choices, and highlights for me any area in which I am making choices that aren't consistent with my intentions, limits, desires, or values!

And if you have to bring the kids, put the kids in charge of cash. I've started shopping with $1 bills and quarters. For each item, I now count out each dollar and quarter from my purse (where it is stored in envelopes) and my kids put it in a gallon-size Ziploc to keep track of the money we spent. Aside from being a good math and economics lesson, this keeps the kids busy while we are shopping, helps them understand the choices we make and why we make them, and helps me keep myself accountable.

Shop for what you have! I know that sounds strange. I don't mean that you should buy what you already have, but rather you should shop for things to go along with what you have. When most folks sit down to make a grocery list, they decide first what they want to eat. *Then* they look at what they have, and write down anything that is missing. You can't afford to do that. Assuming you are going no more than thirty days on $40, even if you put every cent into food and NOTHING else, that gives you about $1.33 per day. If your family eats only three meals, that's about 44 cents per meal. For most of us, snacking is critical to good health, so you can put away at least ten or twenty cents per meal to go into other food costs. That gives you no more than 34 cents per meal, generously. That's around 8.5 cents per person in a family of four. Put another way, in 30 days, you need to plan for around 90 meals (360 individual meal-servings for a family of four) plus snacks. Even with all your money going toward food, you clearly can't get by unless you make full use of whatever you can scrounge from your cupboards and fridge. So look at what you have, and think "how can I make this stretch the farthest?"

Even though you should shop for what you already have, you should also try to use what you have first. Let's say you went to the food bank and they gave you a can of peaches. There are a few ways to make use of it. You could open up that can and have it for snack one day with your kids. Chances are, that snack isn't going to be satisfying on its own, so you'll probably have something else with it. So you've used the peaches, and something else, and then the whole thing is gone and all you've had is a snack. Alternatively, you could also set out to shop for what you have. But be careful if you do because it would be easy to start thinking that you've got to build a whole meal around peaches. If you are building your meal around peaches, rather than a more bulky item, chances are it will be more expensive. As a third alternative, you could pair it with something more bulky that you have on hand (and I do pray you have something on hand), such as rice. So maybe you have a rice stir-fry with veggies and (grilled?) peaches. Even if you had to buy a veggie to add to it, you'd still have avoided the expensive danger of starting to think of building a meal in terms of its least bulky item.

If at all possible, use your money during the month for produce only. As I've said, one of my ground rules involves eating a balanced diet. Try to put aside a few dollars each week-- or whatever you can afford-- for something fresh to add to your stock. Fresh produce runs out quickly when there is no money to spend, and unfortunately, it is unavailable at most food banks. It's the kind of thing you have to plan to replenish weekly.

Assuming you have some form of transportation, if you have had money in the past, your regular grocery store may be out of your budget. For one thing, just because a store is big (a big box store that has groceries, for example), doesn't mean it is the cheapest. If you can, when you are out and about, check out alternative stores. Look for stores that aren't as "pretty" or well-maintained. If a store isn't putting money into its image, it probably has a smaller profit margin. Avoid stores in middle or upper class areas of town. Obviously, stores can get away with charging more if they know the folks shopping there have the money. Look for stores that very prominently advertise acceptance of food stamps.

That said, a store that carries more groceries is usually (not always, but usually) a cheaper source of groceries than say, a corner store or a store that carries only a select few grocery items. No matter how run down your corner store is, it isn't ideal usually to plan to get your milk there.

Often, you can get certain things at a low cost in one store, but other things at a lower cost in another store. It can be tempting to "store hop" and shop at two or more stores for the best deal...if you have the transportation. If you are going to do this, do it in a planned and very strategic manner. Avoid taking unnecessary trips. Combine trips whenever possible. If you drive a car, think about gas. If you are in a car that gets 20 miles per one gallon and gas is about $2.60 per gallon, you are looking at a 13 cent expenditure per mile. That doesn't seem like a lot, but when you have only $40, remember that this is more than what you have per person for each meal. Going five miles will cost you 65 cents. I am assuming that you are not buying more than $10 of food on this grocery shopping trip. After all, that is a weekly allowance if you have managed to spend ALL your money on food. So when you go to that store that is 2.5 miles out of the way (5 miles roundtrip), you likely have no more than $9.35 to spend. If you only save 10 cents on tomatoes, it isn't worth it. This is also the case if you are taking the bus-- assuming that you pay for it-- only moreso, as even with a bus pass, you've likely spent way more than a $1 per day on bus fare.

Speaking of store hopping, if you have a dollar store near you and you haven't been there in a while, don't forget to re-acquaint yourself. Some things are a rip off at the dollar store. If you really compare prices, you will find that the dollar store is relying on your not knowing what things cost at the regular grocery store. Or they are selling smaller packages so that the price for the amount you get is as high if not higher than in a regular store. Be especially cautious with groceries at the dollar store, and anything sold in packages of one. That said, there may be household necessities that you can get for a great bargain. Or things that you can't afford in the amounts sold at the regular store. Sometimes in a $40 month, you can get enough toilet paper or toothpaste to sustain you, simply by shopping at the dollar store.

In a previous post, I mentioned sharing the benefits of a membership warehouse with someone else. Let me talk about a one-time type manifestation of that. On a $40 month, you can't afford to go to a membership warehouse even if you have a membership. Everything there is going to cost $6 or more because it is in large quantities. You won't get pasta for under $10 for example, even if you do end up with enough pasta to last months. However, if you know someone who is shopping at such a warehouse and you are comfortable enough to share your struggles, you might ask if they would let you buy a small amount of their groceries off of them. This way, you can benefit from the bulk rate without paying the initial cost of buying bulk. Sometimes this will pay off, and sometimes it won't. For example, let's say they purchased $10 of enriched pasta and there were ten boxes in their package. That works out to about $1 per box, which is roughly the cost of a package of pasta at the grocery store. The only benefit to them is that they've stocked up. It isn't a financial advantage to anyone. However, if they bought whole wheat pasta for $10 and got 10 boxes, that definitely is less than the cost of whole wheat pasta if you buy one box at a grocery store. If you can afford to give them a dollar for a box of pasta, it would be a financial benefit to you. However, do consider how far you can take one box of pasta for your family (consider ways to bulk it up and use less pasta per meal). It may or may not be something you can afford on a $40 month.

Whatever amount of money you have, whether it is exactly $40 or it is $52.33 or whatever, think in terms of percentage. $2 is five percent of what you have for the whole month. $4 is a whole ten percent. When you are spending money, think in terms of that percentage as you try to navigate priorities.

It bears repeating one more time: cash, CASH, and ONLY CASH. No debit cards. Too easy to "bounce" your account on accident. With cash in hand, you know you have the money. No credit cards. They will dig you deeper into your hole. You CAN survive. You can even thrive. You CAN.