Friday, April 10, 2009

Seminary and Commitment(/Focus)

I sent off a thank you note today to the Dean of Students at one of the seminaries I am looking at. She had personally invited me over to the open house at her school, and she made sure I received a very warm welcome. It was a very good experience, and I've regretted that I've been so remiss in sending her a note.

It's been a little while since I've done a lot of thinking about seminary. I attended at least one more class over at Harvard since I last posted, but since the first time I went over to Harvard I got a $50 parking ticket I can't afford to pay and the second time I went over to Harvard my car died, I admit that my energy for going there when I don't have a commitment to do so is a little diminished. The spring has also been really, really full of meetings at work and G. has been complaining that I haven't been home enough. So it's on the backburner just slightly, which is okay because I feel more certain now that I will apply to two seminaries this fall/winter and that I will hold off on a decision about which one to attend until I at least find out if I am accepted.

I'm sort of in that lull between having a plan and needing to act on that plan. I will start working on my applications over the summer, but the official Harvard application form doesn't even get posted until the fall anyway.

A friend of ours, with whom we are creating a shared garden this summer, said while we were deciding when to start germinating seeds, "Let's do this today so I don't lose interest." I laughed quietly inside, noting "at least I am not the only one." Remember when I posted about pet frogs and my problem with commitment, which seems to stem from cold feet about anything which at some point required a decision on my part? I hate to admit it, but I think part of the problem is that I am also addicted to stirring things up because I like my life stirred. I like orderly chaos ;-). And yes, I know, that is an oxymoron. G jokes with me that just when things get settled and she is getting comfortable, I say, "So what next?" It is also a matter of attention span. My brain goes a million directions a minute. It's easy for me to forget how many balls I am juggling, and pick up another one without realizing that this means one that is already in the air will fall.

I think this lull is a danger zone for me because it would be easy to get interested in something else that delays my application. Don't misunderstand. I am going to apply. My sense of calling and my interest in seminary is not fleeting. Not in the least. I've been feeling this for eight years or more now. This is more a shift of calling than anything. But it would be easy for me to get distracted and do something else and then find myself this autumn in a position in which applying isn't going to be possible. Then I would have to put this off again, and I don't want to do that, nor should I.

I'm not sure how to keep myself on track, though, other than keeping some things on my calendar reminding myself to work on my applications this summer. I've already done that. So the coming months will definitely be a test.

(Dear Lord, oh how I hope you will soothe this ADHD soul of mine.)

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